If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
