In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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