I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
