We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
