When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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