I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
