Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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