I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
