Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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