Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
