i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
