I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
