Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
