Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
