So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
