I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This baby is an asshole
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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