when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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