My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
