he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
