Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
