The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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