just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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