I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
