I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
