Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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