What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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