Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
