I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
