I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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