she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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