My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
