i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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