I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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