this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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