I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
