I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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