when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
