If that was your dad, he is hot
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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