My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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