At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
