Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
