I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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