You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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