u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
