I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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