just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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