Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
