Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
