So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
