If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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