Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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