you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
