I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
