Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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