So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
