Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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